Snot Taking Over, or Is It

CRUNCHING THE LAST 24 HOURS' NUMBERS:

* # of hours slept: 3
* # of these hours that were Friday night and not Saturday night: 3
* # of times awakened from only sleep in the last 24 hours by husband yelling about tornadoes in Alabama: 1
* # of seconds that elapsed after said awakening before a facial tissue was required to wipe away dripping snot: 17
* # of facial tissues used up to capacity of tissue to hold human snot: 67
* # of facial tissues used beyond capacity to hold human snot: 21
* Are you including the one right now: No, 22, dammit.
* # of times had to rely on toilet tissue as facial tissue as roll was the closest approximation of facial tissue nearby as snot was leaking in mass quantities from nose QUITE SUDDENLY: 77
* # of shirts used to wipe SUDDEN snot away from leaky nose when no sort of tissue of any kind was nearby: 1
* # of shirts washed: zero
* # of socks, underwear, and dress-up pants washed: zero
* Isn't Saturday laundry day? Just get on with it, smartass.
* # of times locked self away in 1 of various bedrooms in house to try and sleep: 2
* # of hours elapsed behind closed doors: about 4, once for 1 hr and once for 3 hours
* # of times had to finally relent and get up to let "concerned" dogs into bedroom because sleep would not come anyway: 2
* # of resultant dogs lying on chest sniffing at cough-drop breath and whimpering about your ailment but probably whimpering moreso because Saturday is usually the day dad and dogs can play fetch all day and we haven't done so because of aforementioned vast quantities of snot: 2? Was the question how many dogs? Yes! OK, 2.
* # of chew toys collecting at feet brought by by dogs wanting to play fetch: 14
* Have you actually tried playing fetch? Yes.
* Can you describe what went wrong? Yes, snot went wrong. Snot went everywhere.
* # of times have tasted own snot: Oh, God, don't make me count. Infinity. Is infinity OK as an answer?
* # of times after tasting own snot that resulted in a quite dramatic Vivian-Leigh-esque "As God as my witness, I'll never taste my own snot again!": 1
* # of seconds that elapsed before tasting own snot once again: 133, only because couldn't curl lip quite elliptically enough to cause snot to drip to floor rather than into mouth and was shirtless because previous shirt had reached its snot capacity
* After the shirt dried off, you put it back on, didn't you? Umm, yes.
* # of weeds pulled: What? Are you effin' kidding me!
* # of weeds laughing at you: At least 4 or 5 thousand million
* Expectations for Sunday: Oh, please, a day of rest
* Are you checking your temperature and drinking lots of water? Yes, no temp; drinking vats of water, but water tastes unfortunately like snot. So did the rice and leftover pizza.
* Did you get a chance to exercise? Only if blowing nose counts as exercise. There was that 1 time I tried playing fetch with the dogs too.
* # of times eyes bugged out quite cartoon-like? Exactly the same # of times as have blown nose. Would someone please do the math for me. Or "do the maths," if you're British or Aussie or South African or whoever the hell says "maths." Why do you guys say "maths"? It causes perturbation and just seems too... plural.
* # of times used the phrase "causes perturbation" after deleting "is annoying" so as not to offend any "maths" users: 1
* Let's get back on topic... # of times you felt that if you didn't close your eyes while blowing nose that head would explode and life would end whimperingly on a Saturday or Sunday surrounded by weeds: see previous answer, the one about eyes bugging out, not the one about "perturbation." God, my head hurts.
* # of juicy blogs gained from snotty experience over last 24 hours: 1
* Are you embarrassed by having to use snot as a blog topic? Look, who are you? Why are you asking me all these questions? How did you get in here? It's like 4 effing o'clock in the morning. Go away. I'd kick your number-crunching ass if I didn't think all that movement would loosen even more scary amounts of snot.
* Should I stop then? ...