Haggling with the FreeCreditReportDotCom Lady

Mr. AY-dumms, Are You There?


I was on the phone attempting to switch off a monthly automatic withdrawal from my bank account a few days ago, FreeCreditReportDotCom. I obviously got a foreign speaker of English on the phone, not "Peggy" but "Stephanie," umm, yeah, right, "Stephanie." Steph was all, like, "Why do you want to discontinue using FreeCreditReportDotCom, Mr. AY-dumms?"

That's what she called me, "Mr. AY-dumms." I responded, "Because I want to."

"I'm willing, Mr. AY-dumms, to offer you...."

"No, just cut it off, I don't want it any more, I don't use it, and I don't want any offers." She made about seven or twelve more offers.

"Mr. AY-dumms,...."

"Stop, STOP, will you STOP and just please discontinue the charges. Thank you."


She was quiet for a moment, two,...."Mr. AY-dumms, would you like to view the multiverse....


"Mr. AY-dumms, are you there....?"


Before I go on, I must explain that the offer calmed me, quietened me, and intrigued me because I knew what the multiverse was--it's the container for all of the alternate universes wherein our own selves, our conterparts, made decisions we did not or were just slightly changed since birth, one genetic marker off, or sometimes even greatly different because of where/when/how we grew up. Can you see it? Me with a full head of straight jet-black hair. Or, a universe where I grew up watching Laddy the dog always rescuing little Tammy from that damn well. Another where Lennon's "Imagine" became the basis for a world religion, the Earth there one nation, one people, at peace, me in robes writing about balancing chakras and the relationship between rainbows and, like, energy vortexes, man.


Steph chimed again, "Mr. AY-dumms, are you there....?"

I remained stunned but grunted in a positive way. The offer came spilling out: 12 online views at FreeMultiverseViewDotCom, 1 per month, 12 of my counterparts in 12 different universes together with 12 more long, expensive months of monthly charges by an unused FreeCreditReportDotCom.

I haggled her down. I only needed 4 views. 4 views, but she could charge me double, but no more dingdang FreeCreditReportDotCom.

If I'd pay for 10 multiverse views but only get 4 and use them right away, then Steph would turn off the FreeCreditReportDotCom monthly charge right away. We had a deal. The deadline to finish viewing was yesterday.


***


I finished my views of the multiverse, 4 counterparts of me, Mike Adams, in 4 other universes. I wasn't going to share with you what I saw because it's quite personal, but, well, you know me, here you go:


My first view: Of course, I had to see my kids. My first view was of a universe where I had children, 2, in fact. Mike's daughter's name there is Eleanor Rhiannon Adams; she's so brilliant and beautiful that I could hardly see how any part of me could be her dad. Mike Adams there though looks exactly like I do now, same age, same weight, even the same scar I have on my neck, even a similar job; only major differences I could spot was that he had kids when he was 18 and 24. He's such a good dad, too. There were tough times, Mike was strict but loving. The kids are mostly grown now and love their dad so. Rhia's 27. Her younger brother, Mike's son, is 21 and is named Jonathan Miguel Adams, Nate for short; those who really love him call him Natey. So many people call him Natey. I'd tell you more, but words aren't beautiful enough, not even if I could summon Keatsian levels of some kind of paternal poetry would words ever be beautiful enough. You had to be there. Moving on....


My second view: Of course, that first view wiped me out emotionally, so I went for something fun. I typed, "Show me a universe where I become a well-known writer" into the SEARCH field at FreeMultiverseViewDotCom. Oh, dear Lord, help me, it was so super-serious. I never imagined I could be any less interesting and any more boring than I am now. Fame has its cost, I guess. Really? GUY DE MAUPASSANT & THE FRANCO-PRUSSIAN WAR? In fluent French, no less. GUY DE MAUPASSANT ET LA GUERRE FRANCO-PRUSSIENNE. Merde stupide! Silly shit!


My third view: Hey, it's Christmas--I searched for "Show me a universe where I understand the nature of the universe, my place in it, and how God figures into it all." The chaotic images went by so fast; surely it must've been a universe where I was like light or something and God was this all-encompassing super-dark comfy blanket all around me. When I tried to reach out to the edge of the darkness, to test the limits, I then understood God there to be a part of the light, too. That was only a tiny portion of what I saw, but it's all I understood. I was dizzy for hours after.


My fourth and final view: "Show me a universe where I get to see my good friends every day." I clicked SEARCH. An hourglass icon popped onto the monitor screen. I became almost hypnotized, the hourglass remained. Finally, a click, the hourglass faded and the screen silvered and became a mirror. I saw Mike Adams smiling back at me, enjoying all his good friends being around in this universe every day on Facebook.


Happy Holidays, good friends. Have a great 2011. Hope it's the best year yet for us all. We all have ambitions, regrets, loves, questions, and we all soldier on, it's all part of the millions of things we all overall have in common. Let's choose to be happy together here and now and enjoy our time in this universe....! Here and there, each of us bless us, every one!


I'm here....

Frosty the Zombie Snowman

A Crooked Carol


Frosty the snowman was a zombie, curs'ed soul
With a cadaver arm and a partial nose
And two eyes from a child he stole.

"Frosty the Snowman" is just a scary tale, they say,
He is made of snow (and some undead growths),
But the children know (after that short heat spike in Nov)
That he came back to life one day.

There must have been black magic in that
Old silk hat they found,
For when they placed it on his head
He began to drag around.

O, Frosty the snowman
Was as undead as he could be,
And the children say he could chew,
Nay, fillet his way right through both you and me.

Chompitty chomp chomp,
Chompitty chomp chomp,
Look at Frosty stop....
Chompitty chomp chomp,
Chompitty chomp chomp,
....All of the helpless cops.

Frosty the snowman knew
The sun was hot that day,
So he screeched, "You best run;
I'm gonna' have some fun
Now before I melt away!"

Down to the village
With a chainsaw in his hand,
Running here and there,
All around the square, saying,
"Catch me if you can!"
He led them down the streets of town,
Right to the one called Main,
And he only paused a moment when
We heard him holler, "Brains!!!"

For Frosty the snowman
Had to scurry on his way,
But he waved goodbye saying,
"You better cry;
I'll be back again some day."

Chompitty chomp chomp,
Chompitty chomp chomp,
Look at Frosty go....
Chompitty chomp chomp,
Chompitty chomp chomp,
Over the melting snow....


("Frosty the Snowman" was written by Steve "Jack" Rollins & Steve Nelson)
(The zombified bits above are courtesy of Michael "Cracked" Adams)

My Shout-Out Christmas List

My Top-Ten Favorite December-Holiday Songs


It's December again, the most song-i-full time of the year! Some holiday songs make me want to sing along; others make me want to find the songwriters and wring their necks with a yule-themed thong.

Here are my Top 10 Favorites...


1. O, Holy Night (O, this will always be my number one. Michael Crawford's version still gives me chills.)

2. Silent Night (The Stevie Nicks version is well done, but there are many.)

3. Mary's Boy Child (The Little River Band (I know!) does a nice version, but this song needs more Caribbean instrumentation to be really done right.)

4. The Little Drummer Boy (I'm not sure why this one moves me, but it does. Maybe it all gets mixed up with the whole marching-to-the-beat-of-your-own-drummer thing I like...rum pa pum PUM)

5. Angels We Have Heard on High (This is the only song where melisma is really necessary and is beautiful, of course.)

6. Hark the Herald Angels Sing (I have a thing for angels.)

7. Do You Hear What I Hear? (Do you? I like the sequence of the different verses.)

8. Away in a Manger (Lovely--I always imagined Bethlehem as the ancient equivalent of a 3 red-light town but colder and crisper than my own little cow-town.)

9. Go Tell It on the Mountain (Go! Tell it!)

10. Rudolph, the Red-Nose Reindeer (What a nice story & lesson for children of all ages...)


As you can tell, I like my Christmas Carols mostly traditional and more about the famous baby and less about magic hats on bulbous creatures fashioned from snow just lying about. I will admit to turning up the radio during some newer non-traditional holiday songs though. For example,...


Grown-Up Christmas List (Los and I heard Natalie sing this live at a concert in Phoenix last holiday season. That lady can belt out the tunes, mix with the crowd, really put on a show. What a lovely message in the song; well done, Ms Cole.)

Celebrate Me Home--Kenny Loggins (nice)

Same Old Lang Syne--Dan Fogelberg (What a storyteller!)

Happy New Year--ABBA (Since we're on the new-year portion of our list, here's another one I like!)


A few more traditional Christmas Carols that almost made my list:


Coventry Carol (especially as done by Alison Moyet but any good choir can also make this moving)

What Child is This

It Came Upon a Midnight Clear


Carlos just chimed in that his favorite holiday song is Carol of the Bells. Yeah, nice choice, Los--so many good versions out there.

My Grinchy Least Favorite Winter-Holiday Out-of-"Tunes"


1. The Twelve Days of Christmas (Really, does anybody even vaguely like this energy-sapping song?)

2. O, Christmas Tree (Oh, give me a break! Christmas trees are alright but so not song worthy. I think that I shall never hear a song more dreary than this one, dear.)

3. Frosty the Snowman (dreadful)

4. Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer (This and all Christmas parody songs are HORRIBLY unfunny!)

5. Here Comes Santa Claus (The repetition is cringe-inducing, Kris Kringe-ful!)

6. It's Beginning to Look a Lot like Christmas (I immediately switch the radio station when this comes on to avoid bloody ears.)

7. Jingle Bell Rock (The rock beat and Christmas time are 2 tempos that rarely mix well.)

8. Rockin' around the Christmas Tree (see above)

9. Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow! (just typing the name of the song made me want to hurl)

10. It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year (Yeah, it is! But, NOT when this song is playing!)


Other holiday classics that move me on down the dial...


We Wish You a Merry Christmas

Nuttin' for Christmas

All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth (the sssong as well as the grammar make me all SSSScrooge-y)


Ssssso, there you have it, a quick rundown of holiday songs.

What are your faves? Least faves?


--Michael Adams
(All writing contained in this web log is COPYRIGHT 2010 Michael S. Adams.)